A Pathway Towards Connection in a Polarized World:
Exploring the Roles We Can Play in Division (Part 3)
By: Alexis Wood
This is the third and final part of our series exploring pathways toward connection in a polarized world. As we get closer and closer to the Presidential election this fall, we are bombarded with news, ads, and content from multiple sources throughout the day. Whether on the radio, a podcast, social media, the news, or our Aunt Debbie, we receive messages constantly. We hope that you have gained a greater awareness of what roles you fall into naturally when engaging in political conversations and what roles people around you may be falling into as well.
As a refresher, we have gone over the following roles (Braver Angels):
- The Gladiator: Initiates battles against others with “wrong” views
- The Defender: Counterattacks when others go first, often misrepresenting the other person’s position
- The Sniper: gets digs in (usually in group settings, to get a rise) and then backs away
- The Peacekeeper: tries to prevent or shut down any political conversation, including one-to-one conversation
- The Bystander: Keeps to themself. Mouth shut and head down.
We’ve discussed in more depth how these roles can present themselves and hinder connection with others. I want to look at the final role, as identified by Braver Angels, The Engager. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts in the series, the engager role brings connection amid polarity, and it’s the role that we at Traverse hope to embody ourselves and encourage our clients to step into.
The Engager:
The Engager attempts to have respectful conversations across differences. What does this look like practically? Whether the Engager is interacting with a Gladiator or a Peacekeeper, they offer presence, listen well, clarify, acknowledge the other’s perspective, and allow space for sharing multiple perspectives. If I could use one word to describe the role of an engager, I would use the word curious. The Engager uses curiosity as a launchpad from which they seek to understand, attune, and be open to the perspective of the other. Curiosity does not have an endpoint in mind. It stays in the present moment, seeking to “aim at the things we don’t understand” (Guzmán). Curiosity across divides allows us to see beyond our perspective and humanizes the other person(s).
Tools to become to step in the engager role (CAPP; Braver Angels):
- Clarify:
- Summarize what you hear: “I think your main point is….” “Are you saying…?” “I get that you’re really bothered by….”
- Calmly clarify your position/viewpoint: “I’m not really saying X. Let me clarify. (reframe your position/viewpoint)
- Agree: Try to find something (anything you can think of) that you can agree with. “I agree this is a mess” or “I’m with you on…”
- Pivot: Let them know you are going to share another perspective. “Can I give you my thoughts on this issue?” or “I’ve had some experience with this in my career/life, and I’d like to share where I’m coming from…” If someone is unwilling to listen, you can ask more directly for them to listen. You can also go back to clarify and agree and see if they are more open.
- Perspective: Give your view using an “I” statement.
- Avoid universal truth statements such as “This is the way it is” or “The fact is…”
- Avoid labeling the other person’s perspective. Just stick to your perspective.
- Share a personal story connected to your viewpoint may give space to humanize the issue.
Then, EXIT the conversation: Look for time to leave the conversation. Keep these conversations brief as you learn/try out your new skills.
Of course, some people you are interacting with may not allow you, as an Engager, to offer your perspective or get a word in. It may be more appropriate to deflect and change the conversation in those moments, “It seems like we see this very differently. Let’s leave it at that for now. I’ll think about our conversation” or “Okay. I’ve got it. Let’s move on to something else.” When it is time to exit, do so without criticizing them or defending your view.
Being an Engager. Such a beautiful sentiment, right? In practice, stepping into the engager role takes intentionality and can be difficult. There are certainly times when I find myself stepping into an engager role, and suddenly, without any recollection of how, I am right back into the role I know so well, the Peacekeeper. You must check in with yourself when you notice you are no longer in an engager role. Remind yourself that they don’t have to change for you to feel okay. You can still have your views, and they can still have theirs. Take a break from the conversation if you need a few minutes to bring yourself back to calm before you reengage in conversation.
The Engager attunes to the other and finds space to offer their perspective. As a reminder, we can’t change other people. Which, honestly, sucks sometimes. However, we can change how we respond and show up with others. They may continue to show up similarly, but when we shift things, the interaction pattern changes. We know this upcoming election will create conversation tension and may cause division between family members. We hope this series has created an opportunity for you to pause and check in with yourself and discover ways to show it to the people you love and care about, as well as work with curiosity and care.
We recommend checking out Braver Angels, a non-profit organization that provides training and resources to conservatives and republicans alike to challenge them and empower them to engage in politics with compassion and curiosity for the other.
To read Part #1 and #2, of the series click the links.
Resources:
Traverse will be presenting at the Parent Leadership Series on this issue in October. Find out more here.