This is the first of a series on navigating the polarized culture within families. We at Traverse Counseling & Consulting care deeply about supporting families in maintaining connections even when there are differences that can seem insurmountable. We hope that this series enhances both your professional work and your personal lives and relationships!
For most of us, we sense tension in the societal air. It permeates our relationships and consumes the media we partake in. Politics is a word that often incites anxiety, stress, discord in relationships, anger, and just about every emotion. There is a polarization embedded into the fabric of American culture, and it’s significantly impacting families and relationships. Lukianoff & Haidt (2018), writers of “Coddling of the American Mind,” suggest three untruths permeate American culture. First, the untruth of fragility: what doesn’t kill you makes you weaker. Second, you should always trust your feelings. Third, the untruth of us versus them. These three untruths permeating our culture have created a breeding ground for polarization.
The Braver Angels project, a nonprofit organization based in New York, is dedicated to depolarizing politics (Link below article). They, like us at Traverse, recognize the divide and its impact on family dynamics. We all experience the tension and division in our own families and the individuals and families we work with. This personalization and emotion wrapped up in the division is something many of us can relate to. With families, there is a history embedded within political conversations. A history of identifying with family members and backstories creates the landscape for political conversation (Braver Angels). For many of us, political beliefs blend with values and morals and often become entangled with our identity. So, when political conversations begin, we often feel as if the other person’s opinion is compromising the very fabric of our identity. I say “we” because I am certainly guilty of feeling offended or insulted by the opinion of another family member. Over the next few months, Traverse will be putting out a “Depolarization Series” to discuss the different profiles that people fall into when engaging in political conversations and tips on how to move towards depolarizing conversations that can help repair the divide between you and your family. We believe that bridging the divide starts with individuals and families.
There are six roles that family members can play in political conversations: the Gladiator, the Defender, the Sniper, the Peacekeeper, the Bystander, and the Engager. Spoiler alert: The engager is the role we are aiming to gain skills and cultivate. In this segment of the series, we’ll dive into the roles of the Gladiator and the Defender, highlighting their characteristics and how they contribute to the polarization in political conversations.
The Roles we play in political conversations (Braver Angels):
The Gladiator is at the forefront of the battle line. They initiate the battle against “wrong-headed relatives” (Braver Angels). This could sound like “I’m going to straighten you out on gun violence and legislation.” This role seeks out conversations to shift others into their viewpoint. There is often an urgency in their tone and body language.
The Gladiator can make others feel inferior or small. This role can stem from a place of “I’m right and you’re wrong” or they themselves feel inadequate or small. And when humans feel small, we tend to just try to get bigger and louder to protect ourselves. This dynamic can create power struggles and heated conflict, which can in turn cause disconnection and hostility in relationships.
The Defender will counterattack when others go first, often by misrepresenting their position. The Defender may make blanket, generalized, and pointed comments to defend their position. This could sound like: “So you want to open the borders to everyone?” Or “You want to shut down the borders and keep the country for people who look like you.”
The Defender role can come from a place of desire to support someone (or a perspective) that is getting attacked seemingly unfairly. However, they can quickly escalate arguments. The defender doesn’t necessarily start the conversation, but they are set on making their voice heard and known regardless of the relational conflict that may come from their comments. This role can cause negative sentiment and disconnection in relationships.
As we continue to delve deeper into this series, I want to emphasize a key point: we can’t change other people. We can only shift and change how we show up. This makes logical sense but, in the heat of the moment, I have found myself thinking “if they just understood, they’d see and agree with me.” Pay attention to what happens to you in these conversations. Being curious about yourself and gaining awareness of how you show up in political conversations is an important part of shifting the trajectory of political conversations with your family, friends, and even colleagues. At Traverse, we’ve sat with this content and have practiced being curious about ourselves. I certainly have a role that I fall into that can add to the division and polarization in my familial relationships. This self-awareness is not a weakness but the first step towards depolarization, and it empowers us to make a change.