If you read last month’s article, we are delving into a series on depolarization. At Traverse, we see a great deal of polarization surrounding politics in the families we work with and within our own families. Last month’s article delved into the first two out of six roles people can play in political conversations or any conversation with markedly different perspectives: The Gladiator and the Defender (Braver Angels). Our why behind this series remains: to empower individuals to shift how they engage in “hot button” conversations with their families, friends, and co-workers. I believe these roles not only play a part in political discussions, but they can show up in any conversation surrounding topics that carry a great deal of emotion and/or conflict. In this month’s article, we will delve into the roles of the Sniper, the Peacekeeper, and the Bystander.
The Roles we play in political conversations (Braver Angels):
The Sniper: Gets digs in (within a group context to get a rise) and then backs away. A sniper might say something like, “So, what does our family socialist and Trump lover think about that one? (Braver Angels). The Sniper takes a shot in the dark out of nowhere with their words. In relationships, this can create tiny fractures that erode trust and connection. After having a conversation with a sniper, one can feel blindsided, confused, and singled out.
The Peacekeeper: tries to prevent or cut off all political conversations, including one-to-one discussions. The Peacekeeper’s motto is “Let’s avoid politics and religion.” When other people are having a political discussion, the Peacekeeper inserts themselves by shutting down the conversation. This role can hinder the connection between different perspectives. It shuts down opportunities to learn one another’s perspective and experience the connection of being heard by another.
When engaging in political conversations, I naturally fall into the Peacekeeper role. I want everyone to get along and want to avoid any uptick in tone or emotions. Of course, this can be problematic. People should be able to share their worldviews, thoughts, and ideas. Conversation opens opportunities to learn from one another. Part of being in a relationship is engaging in conversation with others. As a natural Peacekeeper, I have shut down conversations (more times than I can count) when there haven’t been heightened emotions or stress to avoid the possibility of tensions rising higher. Shutting down conversations before they even begin can hinder an opportunity for connection and a deepening of relationships.
The Bystander: Keeps mouth shut and head down. The role can seem harmless at first glance; after all, this role doesn’t antagonize or “stir the pot.” The Bystander falls into the trap that if they don’t talk about it at all or say anything, then it isn’t a problem. I think of this role as someone who sees a big elephant in the room but doesn’t say anything, even though it’s taking up more than half the room. The problem lies in the disengaged stance. Part of a relationship is engaging in conversation, sharing viewpoints, listening well, and being heard and known by the other. By presenting as disengaged, this role can hinder perspectives and ideas being shared that leads to connections and being known by one another.
In the coming months we will look at the final role, The Engager, and discuss ways to interact with people who fit into the other roles in conversations. As with any change, the foundational step is awareness. Pay attention to patterns within conversations that pull you into unhelpful roles. I’m probably always going to fall into the Peacekeeper role at one point or another; the mastery sets in when I can notice when I step into that role and utilize tools to step out of it and into the role of an Engager. By cultivating self-awareness, we can take control of our communication patterns and foster healthier, more productive conversations.
Resources:
Braverangels.org