Dr. Mark Schaefer’s story begins as a child of a warm, loving Scotch/Irish, German family, living in a small Minnesota town. “We had a lot of extended family and a large church community. Even though my family went through some real turmoil and insecurity, this community created a safe place from which my sisters and I observed these struggles.” Out of this experience grew a passion for showing others how to create a safe place for themselves and their children from which to navigate their own challenges. He developed a keen interest in the ways communities formed, leading to an interest in sociology and psychology. Back then, he said, psychology was very behaviorally focused, which didn’t interest him, so when enrolling in college, he followed a family sociology program, minoring in psychology. Dr. Mark said he wanted to make a difference in social systems, whether it be families or couples, and how they influenced the communities around them. Mark would go on to pioneer the work of uncoupling therapy and become something of a legend in the Twin Cities area for his expertise in working with couples and families. As he nears his retirement, he met with us at Traverse, to share his model of uncoupling therapy and to talk about his journey.
In 1979, just as Dr. Mark graduated with his PhD, a position opened as Assistant Professor and Behavioral Medicine Coordinator at the U of M Medical School, teaching medical students Behavioral Medicine. Dr. Mark became a “missionary for behavioral health,” flying all over the state, teaching at 40 different sites within a year. At that time, he said, few physicians endorsed mental health. Only the most difficult patients received treatment. Dr. Mark paved the way for many of these doctors in itinerant communities to embrace the importance of mental health.
In 1983, Dr. Mark decided he preferred the immediacy and presence of clinical work, so he opened a private practice, while continuing at the U of M part time for 30 years. In working with couples, he soon realized that once a couple decided to divorce, most other therapists would end their support for the couple. This did not make sense to him, he said. “The goals may change, but the work continues.” He became highly dedicated to staying in the work with couples, helping them to be the best they can be through the process. “Being a guide who knows the path and creating a safe place for individuals to follow their own journey”, he said, “Like a Sherpa. A Sherpa knows the path but it’s the individual’s own journey.” Thus, “uncoupling therapy” was born.
During his career, Dr. Mark made many contributions to the community in the form of publications and trainings, which are too numerous to describe in this short article. He has trained physicians, therapists, pastors, attorneys, judges and mediators in their workplace and at conferences. He also served the state of Minnesota in the National Guard. To capture all that Dr. Mark has contributed would take volumes.
“I was lucky,” he said, I got to counsel a lot of entrepreneurs. They were intelligent, creative, and had perseverance.” As we listened to him reflect on his career, we could see that he had these qualities as well. “This is very humbling for me to have you talk about my story,” he said. “I like presenting and challenging conventional ideas, but I’m always focused on the ideas, so to focus on me is a little awkward; I’m just so honored.”
Dr. Mark told us of his time at a clinic in Minneapolis, working with immigrants. He distinctly remembered a refugee from an Eastern European country, a foreign medicine graduate himself, who worked as a cab driver until he could pass the language exam so he could take his medical school test and then start his residency. After five years of residency, he was finally able to practice again. He told Dr. Mark, “I am one of ten who made it. The other nine doctors are still driving cabs.” Dr. Mark was amazed at the adaptability of these people, who had endured even tortuous traumas in their home countries, and he thought about how important adaptability is to relational and family wellness, incorporating this concept into his work.
When asked for words of wisdom “from the balcony,” reflecting on his work in the field Dr. Mark said, “Only experienced marriage therapists can get into this high conflict and divorce work. You really must be nimble, able to shift gears and stay focused on goals. You must be able to create a safe place to talk about the necessary tasks before them, with clear boundaries. You need to see the dignity in the individual and the hope in the couple and not be blown away by their conflict.” One of his most useful clinical tools in working with these families he found was , “So what’s your proposal?”. He found this kept him grounded as a support outside their conflict but offered them a way out of the stuck places that they so often found themselves inhabiting. Dr. Mark went on to highlight the importance of authentic and accessible language to help clients find their strengths. He cautioned about “talking down” to them. “You are just helping them walk their journey.” Dr. Mark encourages those in this work to incorporate the wisdom of other professionals that are also compassionate towards these families. “Integrate their wisdom into your work, all along your own journey.”
As Dr. Mark reflects on the edge of his career in fulltime family and couple work, he expresses gratitude for groups of therapists, such as The Bridging Center, MOXIE and Traverse, that specialize in supporting families going through very difficult transitions. He met with us recently to share his wisdom and experience around working with families in conflict, including his model of uncoupling therapy. “I still see a lot of pain and suffering in our community,” he said, “And these therapists are leading the way in helping these families find their safe places.”
We are inspired by the mission and purpose of Dr. Mark Schaefer, the contributions he has made, and honored to carry on the work that began years ago in the heart of a young man.