This fall, our team attended the Educator’s Roundtable hosted by Newport, Groves (GLO), Horowitz Health, and Traverse. Dr. Joshua Stein, an adolescent and adult psychiatrist with Newport, shared powerful insights on perfectionism—something we see often in our work with kids, teens, and families.
We know that real learning takes root when we pause, reflect, and apply. That’s why we’re intentional about weaving new understanding into our daily work—not just in theory, but in the small, meaningful moments that shape relationships and growth.
What Is Perfectionism?
Dr. Stein described how high-achievement culture can lead kids to believe they must be perfect, often seeking external validation over internal growth.
Drawing from Brené Brown’s work, he highlighted a key distinction:
“Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’ Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’”
Perfectionism is rooted in fear of judgment and can resemble social anxiety. Healthy striving embraces learning and growth—hallmarks of a growth mindset.
How It Shows Up
Girls:
- Social perfectionism (hyperfocus on appearance & likability)
- Academic and extracurricular pressure
Boys:
- Competitive performance (sports, grades)
- Pressure to be strong and never fail
These patterns aren’t rigid, but they’re common.
Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion
Self-esteem is performance-based and can fluctuate day to day. Self-esteem can be greatly impacted by perfectionism. Self-compassion is a skill—always accessible, especially in hard moments. It’s about kindness toward ourselves and fuels healthy striving. Teaching kids self-compassion builds resilience and helps quiet the inner critic that perfectionism often feeds.
Parenting Traps
Parents want to help—and they care deeply. But sometimes, even well-intentioned actions can unintentionally reinforce perfectionistic thinking.
Rudolf Dreikurs, an Adlerian psychologist, once said: “Children are keen observers but poor interpreters.”
Kids pick up on everything, but they don’t always understand our intentions. Here are a few common traps to watch for:
- Correcting feelings (“That’s not true”) can feel invalidating for example, if a child says, “I’m terrible at swimming, I suck”:
- Responding with “That’s not true” might dismiss their experience.
- Instead, try: “You feel disappointed—I hear that. Success isn’t just about the outcome. I saw someone who gave it their all and showed courage in the process.”
- This kind of response acknowledges the emotion, offers perspective, and reinforces effort over outcome.
- Equating performance with confidence—assuming success means high self-esteem.
- Mixed messages about what “doing your best” really means.
- Overscheduling or pushing for extra tutoring or activities beyond a child’s developmental capacity.
The Antidote for parents:
Attunement—listening, noticing, validating—is a relational superpower. It helps kids feel seen for who they are, not just what they do.
Support kids by:
- Encouraging curiosity and self-compassion
- Building self-worth beyond achievement
- Modeling growth mindset: “I did my best. Next time, I’ll try ___.”
- Challenge externally focused thinking by encouraging healthy striving rooted in self-compassion.
- As the saying goes, “Progress over perfection.” Remind your kids that progress is more valuable than perfection. The process is where growth lives.
Let’s help our kids shift from performance to presence—where connection, growth, self-compassion, and self-acceptance matter more than perfection.