Accommodation: Parents Avoidance Trap
Anxiety is a prevalent topic in media and professional training spaces today. It’s also a fundamental part of how our nervous system is wired. In my work with teens, I often hear them say, “I just want anxiety to go away.” My response is usually, “I haven’t figured out how to do that, because anxiety is a natural part of how our nervous system functions—and it can actually be helpful.” A key to managing anxiety is to recognize the patterns that emerge (what anxiety looks and feels like) and discover tools to navigate through it.
At some point in the therapeutic process, I introduce the concept of the “Window of Tolerance,” a framework developed by psychiatrist and author Dan Siegel. This framework helps illustrate how our nervous system functions (see image below).
The Window of Tolerance has three zones: the Optimal Arousal Zone, the Hyperarousal Zone, and the Hypoarousal Zone. This model provides a visual representation of how our nervous system operates. Anxiety typically resides in the hyperarousal zone. If anxiety becomes overwhelming and prolonged, it can sometimes cause a shift into hypoarousal. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety entirely; that’s unrealistic. Instead, the aim is to build the capacity to move between these zones with greater ease. This involves recognizing how anxiety manifests for the individual and family system and developing tools to manage and work through it. Since anxiety is wired into our nervous system and avoiding anxiety-inducing situations is a natural response, we will experience it throughout our lives, even with tools. Mastery involves becoming aware of the pattern, recognizing when it appears, and utilizing tools to step out of it.
Anxiety is incredibly contagious. Clinician and anxiety researcher Eli Lebowitz calls it “the great hijacker.” Anxiety can take over our ability to remain present, distort our thoughts, and shift our behavior to be reactive instead of intentional. It often makes us feel like it’s “the end of the world,” pulling our thoughts into a catastrophizing spiral. In this state, we naturally want to avoid whatever causes our anxiety because avoidance brings immediate relief. However, repeated avoidance can lead to what Lebowitz calls “the avoidance trap.” This trap exacerbates anxiety, increasing the distress we experience over time. The more we avoid something that makes us anxious, the stronger our response to the same stressor becomes. As humans, it’s natural to want to escape what makes us anxious. Sometimes, those around us—particularly parents—can unintentionally contribute by accommodating our avoidance behaviors, trying to relieve the distress. This form of accommodation can inadvertently reinforce the anxiety. Parents, out of love, care, and worry, often step in and remove anxious stressors, which can inadvertently send the message to children that they can’t handle it.
“Messages” is the key word here. Behavior is always sending a message. When children are experiencing anxiety, I always look to the messages. What messages are they sending and what messages are they receiving? Rudolph Dreikurs, an Austrian psychiatrist, once said, “Children are great observers, terrible interpreters.” Children process messages and information differently than adults. It’s helpful to hold this understanding and bring curiosity to discover what messages children are receiving and what messages you, as parents, want to send. Then, find ways to shift messages so that children receive the intended messages from parents.
Anxiety is wired into our nervous system, and discovering tools to move through it helps us receive a new message and build resilience. This process allows us to reinterpret our experiences, shifting from a state of fear and avoidance to one of understanding and empowerment. By recognizing and addressing anxiety, we can transform it into a catalyst for personal growth and improved emotional well-being (for us as adults and kids).