Leading children THROUGH their anxiety to overcome it.
When kids are distressed, refusing to go to school, nervous, anxious, and everything in between, it is heartbreaking and frustrating (insert all the emotions here) for parents. Seeing your kid cry and shake because they are distressed and don’t want to go to school (insert distress you see in your kid) is not easy on a parent’s heart. You’ve been programmed to create safety and care for your child, and you have said and tried everything to get them to school, calm down, and make the transition easier.
Picture your child distraught (crying, shaking, etc.) and refusing to go into the school building. Quavering, your child says, “I can’t go to school. I can’t go. I can’t go. They’ll laugh at me again.” Or insert your child’s words into this scenario. Everything inside of you wants to scoop them up and hug them. It reminds you of when you got made fun of in class. You want to let them stay home while also needing them to go to school because you must get to work. You continue to try to convince them to get dressed and pull out all the stops to get them into the car. Offering up incentives and bribes, anything that will get them in the car. They won’t get in the car. You’re late for work. It’s been a rough morning, to say the least. You decide to keep them home for the day. Or you drag them into the car and have to hand them off to the school counselor. This scenario may play out occasionally, every week, or every day.
In these moments, it’s helpful to remember that multiple nervous systems are firing off in that moment. You, your child, and any other people involved at the moment have stress responses being enacted. When we jump in without checking in with ourselves, we can act in ways that reinforce the worry. You may be familiar with the terms “fight, flight, and freeze.” It’s how our bodies respond to danger, stress, or perceived danger (sometimes, our nervous system can fire off at moments when we’re not in actual danger). Checking in with yourself before responding allows parents time to regulate themselves and respond intentionally rather than react.
When you’re looking to lead your child, it’s helpful to think about the following 3 things: safety, nurture, and challenge. Sometimes, we can go too heavy on the nurture and provide not enough challenge. Sometimes, parents/co-parents function in their leadership differently; one may challenge more while another may attune without ever challenging; when this happens, it can be confusing for kids. If you and the other parent are misaligned in balancing challenge and attunement/nurture, it’s important to regroup and connect to get on the same page regarding supporting your child in their distress.
Helpful tips for parents:
- Assess for safety. Is your child in physical or emotional danger at this moment? (Now I know that hearing your child is being bullied feels extremely painful and harmful AND were assessing for serious risk of harm, the bullying may need to be dealt with involving school staff, however, the detriment to the health of your child may not be at risk.)
- Let your kiddo know, “Hey. I’m feeling some big feelings, and I can see that you are too. Let’s take a little break. Take some deep breaths, read a book, or color a picture about what’s happening inside you. Let’s come back together after we calm down.”
- Step away for a few moments and check-in with yourself. Is your heart beating fast? Are you thinking about a time you were bullied in school? Are you worried about being late for work and the consequences of that? What’s happening inside you?
- After you can take deep breaths, understand what’s going on in your nervous system, bring your heart rate back down, and feel more present in the moment, go have a follow-up conversation with your child.
- Check back in with your kiddo. “Hey, I was having a lot of big feelings earlier and was able to take some deep breaths and I feel calmer. I noticed that you were also feeling some really big feelings. Help your child name what feelings are present for them. Validate their feelings. “I noticed that you were feeling worried about how your classmates might treat you and sad about things they have said in the past. What might you be able to remind yourself when people say mean things that aren’t true…”
This is where you accept their feelings and attune to them (nurture) and give them confidence (there is a challenge in this) that they can push through their struggle. All the while reminding them that they are unconditionally loved and supported by you.