Play is a breeding ground for learning and connection, and it offers an unmatched exuberance and joy that isn’t found in other activities. It is one of those things that “you know when you see it” and can often be hard to describe. Play is not just for children but for families, individuals, couples, friendships, and all humans. There are many working models and definitions of play from various writers, speakers, and experts in play therapy. Peter Gray, a Boston College professor, and play researcher, described play as a “self directed and “self-chosen” activity (Haidt, 2024; Gray, 2023). The act of play exists outside of achieving an end goal. When playing, attention is more focused on the “means” rather than the “result.” There may be goals in playing, such as building a sandcastle or creating a silly dance, but these goals are part of the activity and not the reason for playing (Gray, 2023). Playing is more about the process than the end result.
Not only is play a means of connection without an end goal, but it’s a means for brain development. Haidt (2024) wrote, “Play is the work of childhood, and all young mammals have the same job: wire up your brain by playing vigorously and often” (p.51). Our brains are wired to learn through play and exploration. Extensive research has concluded that play is a developmental need. Haidt (2024) argues that unsupervised child-led play allows children to “tolerate bruises, handle their emotions, read other children’s emotions, resolve conflicts, and play fair” (p. 51). Play opens our capacity to expand our minds. It creates opportunities to learn life skills such as pushing through hard things, resiliency, tolerating stress and frustration, and working through differences in relationships. We are shaped through play and learn about ourselves, others, and the world around us. We often lose the curiosity, enthusiasm, and exuberance of our true selves enacted in play as we age. Playing allows us to return to connection with ourselves and others. It offers the opportunity for us to nurture our spirits in the present moment. It does not require us to be the most competent person in the room. All it requires of us is an openness to be present and participate.
In the therapeutic space, play can offer a safe way to build relationships and attunement between the client and therapist. Play is more than a game of Uno, drawing a picture, or a puppet show; it is a clinical tool that offers presence, opportunities to externalize and express emotions, increased awareness of the self, role model and role-play therapeutic goals, and creates space for clients to articulate the unspeakable. Play is more than an action; it is a language of expression and connection.
Here are a few ways to dip your toes back into the act of play (individually or in relationships with your child, spouse, family, etc.):
- Play a game (simple suggestion). However, I offer a shift in intention around the game to allow space for the process of play rather than the result of winning.
- Create space for unsupervised play and/or independent play (for children, adolescents, and adults).
- Child-led play creates opportunities for children to learn resiliency and develop perseverance to push through hard things (Be mindful of what is age-appropriate for your child).
- Make a list of things that help you experience fun, joy, connection, and laughter (individually, as a couple, with friends, as a family, with your child, etc.) and create intentional time for play.
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- Some examples are playing on the playground, cooking, baking, going on a walk, throwing the frisbee for your dog, sewing, building a tower, etc.
- I suggest you make a list of things outside of the digital world, as they can block opportunities for connection and learning experiences (Haidt, 2024)
- Parents, have your children make individual and family lists, and you do the same. Talk about the differences and similarities.
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References & Thought-Provoking Resources:
https://petergray.substack.com/p/2-what-exactly-is-this-thing-wecall?utm_source=publication-search
Haidt, J. (2024). The anxious generation: how the great rewiring of childhood is causing an epidemic of mental illness, Penguin Press.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT1Iu58BHqU (Ted talk on play as an integral part of rewiring our nervous system)